At the Depth….

I cannot see anything clearly, it is dark and numerous beeping sounds and few baffled voices. Hands groping me and a pricky feeling somewhere or may be everywhere on my skin. There’s an obnoxious smell that I just can’t ignore, is it from me? Have I shat in my pants because yes… I am shit scared. Where am I?


“Sanjh, can you please hurry up? Can you not one day be on time?” is how I start my day. Suvi aka Souvik and I got married 3 years ago. It was an arranged one, in it’s true sense. Our moms introduced us over whatsapp and we took it forward. In 2 months’ time we were hitched and I see myself happily bidding goodbye to both of our families.

Well, we stay in San Jose, California in a 1BHK apartment. The house is a tastefully decorated and a well kempt one (all credits to my dear husband) with every amenity that one needs to lead a comfortable and sumptuous life.

I am a happy person, something so simple to hear but often an eyebrow raiser for many. Suvi leaves no stone unturned to bring a smile on my face and I am a total pain in the ass. I keep him on his toes and he calls me a sadist because I love to trouble him (it’s humor folks, don’t call 911).

Our lives are not perfect, we love each other and everything that comes along with it. I have amazing  in-laws, who love their son because he married me. I have a battalion of sister in laws and brother in laws to whom I am a confidant and PA to their home minister and finance minister. After a year of vacation and study time at my San Jose home, the US Govt. allowed me to work at an apparel store there. I work as the store manager and have an amazing time with my young and cute clients. It is a clothing line for infants and kids.

Our days start with me waking up Suvi with his black tea and honey bun, yet cuddled beneath the blanket.

“I can’t find my gloves and my wallet and my power bank…. please Suvi find it for me. We are so late”

“Move your ass, they are inside your handbag. I will be waiting inside the car and please lock the door before scampering down”

Dilan and Stacy are my colleagues who make my day all the more fun filled and difficult. Stacy is a young 19 year old American totally in awe of her adulthood and living the day as it appears. Dilan is a divorcee juggling her work, middle age crisis and a 13 year old young adult brat. Both of them are poles apart and yes they justify the saying as they never meet at a point at any point. One thing that makes us possible is our professionalism. We know our work and our responsibility and do justice to it at all time.

“Mommy I don’t want green, it’s pink. My dolly and I wear pink” says the 4 years old Delina to Ruhi. Delina and Ruhi are neighbours to us and Suvi’s colleague’s family. It’s Delina’s birthday and like last year she has come to buy her dress from my store. Delina is a spoilt angel with pitch black eyes, chubby cheeks with dimples (like Ruhi) and a perfect pink pout. Her innocence is multiplied manifold times when she lisps while calling out for me. Her tiny fingers and soft and supple skin makes me feel giddy and also reminds me of what I am missing on. May be not anymore….


Suvi, it’s positive this time and it has been 3 months. I am sure everything is fine. We don’t have to ponder over other possibilities. If you want will see the doctor this weekend….I kept rehearsing these words in my mind at the dinner table. I tried so many times to tell him but something was holding me back. Six months back we were informed by the doctor that I should never bear a child. They said my uterine walls are not nourished enough for harbouring a new life. It can be fatal if the walls start bleeding. So our families decided not to risk my life and rather adopt a baby. I am not against it but every woman wants to bear a life in her, so do I. I think I am pregnant and have not divulged it to anyone for past 3 months. One, I want to be sure and second I don’t want to leave a scope for abortion. But now, I need to tell it to him, I have to.

That night I couldn’t say anything because I think I was too apprehensive of his reaction. So I had a plan. It was Delina’s birthday celebration that evening and I knew there would be so many kids all around us. Suvi loves kids more than I do and he gels so well with kids of all age group. I thought when we would be surrounded by children and he in his happy mood, would let the cat out of the bag.

“Hi, is that suvi? Please reach St Luke’s at the earliest. Saanjh is oozing of blood. Dude, don’t be late.”

Another 10 minutes

“Could you please answer the calls, the bloody voice mail doesn’t help ”

Another 30 minutes

“She is taken to the O.T. ”

“We need to give an I.V. doc, it’s falling, she is sinking .

Give me the staaaaaaaati………”

I can feel every gush of blood in my body, I can no more hear anything but the only ‘if’ echoing inside my mind. If only I could once talk to him, tell him what was inside me. My vision was blurring and I felt I was being dragged deep inside, losing everything. I tried to wake up. I thought it was one of those nightmares from which you struggle to be back to consciousness. I had more dates to go with him, we had many more vacations to go on, many more ‘mores’ to happen for us. Our forever didn’t last forever. Now, I just want a glance, before I sink into the deep. Will I ever…..?





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