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The Death-Story

There is darkness, just sheer darkness engulfing my soul.

I blink my eyes,rub them.

“Take a deep breath, it’s all right there…” says Me

I have this syncing feeling and a lump in my throat,

I cannot see.

 

It’s void and vague.

There is nothing in there and neither beyond

It’s just me and my chimera.

I realized the futility of my existence

And the monstrosity of my reality .

 

I learn’t as a child to not give up but redo.

I kept scrutinizing for my fallacy

Again and again.

My life was all red and blue

Innumerable mistakes brought me unbearable distress.

 

It’s time to redo yourself.

It’s time to accept that your life is an irreversible snafu

The chaos and commotion surpassed my heart’s comfortable decibel

It’s time.

Undo your hopes, desires, dreams and life.

 

Just before you go, look back but do not long for it.

Breathe for once more like the prodigal child of His

Be thankful, feel sorry and promise to be better

Remind yourself of those unimpeded days and nights

And thus plunge into the depth from where no one returns.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Perils of a benevolent bride…

The word “bride” is overrated, at least in India. The adjectives usually associated with a bride is “glowing”, “beautiful”, “happy” but what about LOST, STRESSED, INSECURE & UNSURE?

All this while, when a presentable, independent and brave woman was living her life on her terms the only steaming hot issue was to find a groom. Everything she was doing and most important her wholesomeness….was just vague and void because she is unmarried (not single). She for once decides to submit herself to the usual protocols of the society and to her shock she lands up in the world of annihilation and despair.

Initially she is the darling daughter and sister of the family for whom they are scrutinising the prospects and she simulatneously is cajoled to like one of them. Suddenly struck by cupid (unaware) she decides on one and things roll off mutually.

To her dismayal, lot of rituals and nodding of head happens but she consoles herself. Eventually the rivulets of controversies and egotistic reacti0ns turn into tectonic movements amongst the relatives and she finds herself in the middle of all this.

On one side is her mother uptight and apprehensive about what the groom’s family is anticipating for the marriage and juxtaposed to that the bride’s sister-in-law compares every event to what took place when she was on the throne of thorns.

The bride and groom amidst all this try to see the future they have in store and trying to figure out their modus operandi but there’s more things to do. Since they are under cupid’s potion and want to be this awestruck forever, it’s there onus to make things happen. Irrespective of the bride’s ego and liking she absorbs her to be in laws objectionable comments. She even swallows down body shaming with a smile. Well, it’s no less for the groom because he cannot voice his opinion about this event.

Clenched between the mother’s apprehension, brother and sister-in-law’s ego, mother-in-laws unintentional vindiction and loss of identity she stands tall, even when the skyfall. She started the fiasco in the name of family and now she finds herself staring wide eyed at people on the other side. Dawned in the red saree covered with glitzy jewels she feels a thumping beneathe her breast and dryness in her mouth beacuse it did not extend her family rather made her realise it is all a hoax of relationships and today unknown to herself she is the clown of this act.389164_1281385402_large

You Beside Me….

There’s a sudden thump in my heart

I breathe in heavily and let it out all precarious.

Unsure, puzzled, apprehensive, contemplating

It’s like a sudden sandstorm in the meadows.

Am I on the wrong bay?

 

A subtle tinge on my wrist…

“I am holding you, don’t hold yourself back”.

I can’t see who it is, but I know the voice

A relief, I am no more unchaperoned.

The splinters are like sand glitters

The sandstorm does no more perturb me.

 

I clench my teeth; close my eyes, gripping the ground tighter.

His  on my hands do not slacken a bit

My faith on our camaraderie strengthen all the more.

A linchpin of this lifelong enterprise; a cornerstone of my existence

By each other, we stand tall, even if the sky fall.

Paint me New

Paint

A sudden turn, an unexpected mizzle, an usual buzz of the phone.

The same chatter around me, and another verse of Gibran in my mind.

 

“See you soon, when the sun is down, the earth soothed and breathing the balmy air”.

A brief smile and a twinkle in my eyes and those untamed heartbeats.

 

It’s him.

 

He is like the gushing river through the meadows

You don’t dare to mess with it but just let it wrap you in

He is like the sudden splash of poignant colors on a stagnant and bland canvas

He is the sudden silence that startles you with it’s whispers

He is that softness on your lips that dictates the lows and highs of your breath

He harmonises you with his color and you blend in

He enfolded me in his aroma and I glided in.

 

I am not stained to camouflage

I am Him-tinted, to my soul

His madness and my startled state and our voyage en route

couple-hug-kiss-love-Favim.com-1054738.jpg

 

At the Depth….

Depth
I cannot see anything clearly, it is dark and numerous beeping sounds and few baffled voices. Hands groping me and a pricky feeling somewhere or may be everywhere on my skin. There’s an obnoxious smell that I just can’t ignore, is it from me? Have I shat in my pants because yes… I am shit scared. Where am I?

 

“Sanjh, can you please hurry up? Can you not one day be on time?” is how I start my day. Suvi aka Souvik and I got married 3 years ago. It was an arranged one, in it’s true sense. Our moms introduced us over whatsapp and we took it forward. In 2 months’ time we were hitched and I see myself happily bidding goodbye to both of our families.

Well, we stay in San Jose, California in a 1BHK apartment. The house is a tastefully decorated and a well kempt one (all credits to my dear husband) with every amenity that one needs to lead a comfortable and sumptuous life.

I am a happy person, something so simple to hear but often an eyebrow raiser for many. Suvi leaves no stone unturned to bring a smile on my face and I am a total pain in the ass. I keep him on his toes and he calls me a sadist because I love to trouble him (it’s humor folks, don’t call 911).

Our lives are not perfect, we love each other and everything that comes along with it. I have amazing  in-laws, who love their son because he married me. I have a battalion of sister in laws and brother in laws to whom I am a confidant and PA to their home minister and finance minister. After a year of vacation and study time at my San Jose home, the US Govt. allowed me to work at an apparel store there. I work as the store manager and have an amazing time with my young and cute clients. It is a clothing line for infants and kids.

Our days start with me waking up Suvi with his black tea and honey bun, yet cuddled beneath the blanket.

“I can’t find my gloves and my wallet and my power bank…. please Suvi find it for me. We are so late”

“Move your ass, they are inside your handbag. I will be waiting inside the car and please lock the door before scampering down”

Dilan and Stacy are my colleagues who make my day all the more fun filled and difficult. Stacy is a young 19 year old American totally in awe of her adulthood and living the day as it appears. Dilan is a divorcee juggling her work, middle age crisis and a 13 year old young adult brat. Both of them are poles apart and yes they justify the saying as they never meet at a point at any point. One thing that makes us possible is our professionalism. We know our work and our responsibility and do justice to it at all time.

“Mommy I don’t want green, it’s pink. My dolly and I wear pink” says the 4 years old Delina to Ruhi. Delina and Ruhi are neighbours to us and Suvi’s colleague’s family. It’s Delina’s birthday and like last year she has come to buy her dress from my store. Delina is a spoilt angel with pitch black eyes, chubby cheeks with dimples (like Ruhi) and a perfect pink pout. Her innocence is multiplied manifold times when she lisps while calling out for me. Her tiny fingers and soft and supple skin makes me feel giddy and also reminds me of what I am missing on. May be not anymore….

 

Suvi, it’s positive this time and it has been 3 months. I am sure everything is fine. We don’t have to ponder over other possibilities. If you want will see the doctor this weekend….I kept rehearsing these words in my mind at the dinner table. I tried so many times to tell him but something was holding me back. Six months back we were informed by the doctor that I should never bear a child. They said my uterine walls are not nourished enough for harbouring a new life. It can be fatal if the walls start bleeding. So our families decided not to risk my life and rather adopt a baby. I am not against it but every woman wants to bear a life in her, so do I. I think I am pregnant and have not divulged it to anyone for past 3 months. One, I want to be sure and second I don’t want to leave a scope for abortion. But now, I need to tell it to him, I have to.

That night I couldn’t say anything because I think I was too apprehensive of his reaction. So I had a plan. It was Delina’s birthday celebration that evening and I knew there would be so many kids all around us. Suvi loves kids more than I do and he gels so well with kids of all age group. I thought when we would be surrounded by children and he in his happy mood, would let the cat out of the bag.

“Hi, is that suvi? Please reach St Luke’s at the earliest. Saanjh is oozing of blood. Dude, don’t be late.”

Another 10 minutes

“Could you please answer the calls, the bloody voice mail doesn’t help ”

Another 30 minutes

“She is taken to the O.T. ”

“We need to give an I.V. doc, it’s falling, she is sinking .

Give me the staaaaaaaati………”

I can feel every gush of blood in my body, I can no more hear anything but the only ‘if’ echoing inside my mind. If only I could once talk to him, tell him what was inside me. My vision was blurring and I felt I was being dragged deep inside, losing everything. I tried to wake up. I thought it was one of those nightmares from which you struggle to be back to consciousness. I had more dates to go with him, we had many more vacations to go on, many more ‘mores’ to happen for us. Our forever didn’t last forever. Now, I just want a glance, before I sink into the deep. Will I ever…..?

 

 

 

A Secret Evening yet so open…

Last evening I met someone. Well I met with no purpose, it was just a random interaction with an unknown man who desired me. I wanted to see how does the eyes of a man look when he desires me and knows he cannot have an iota of me. I was selfish. Amidst all the rejections and heart wrenching reality I wanted this momentary elated feeling to be like a balmy breeze brush across my face and bring relief to the sun tormented skin.
His eagerness to meet me, his lurking desire to touch me and his constant stare into my eyes to find at least a pinch of if not affection but lust, all of it, brought me pleasure. I didn’t shy away when he stared at me, I looked deeper to let him know, there’s nothing for him in here but I enjoyed that desire. I could smell it, feel it, it was all over me but it did not affect me.
Sometimes I feel, I fall in and out of love quite quickly. Does it mean I’m a manizer? I think, I am loving. I love deeply, immensely and faithfully. When I don’t get the warmth from my partner and rather burn in my own love’s fire, I repel. If saving your life from harm is self-defence, then keeping your sensitivity alive in you is soul defence.
So, me going to meet him yesterday and enjoy that attention and prey on his desire as medication for my love burnt soul was survival instinct rather than wanting a fling.

Feast: Our lives no less than a celebration

Feast

Colors, lights, cackle of people around you, a constant sound buzzing in your ears that keeps you alive and tries to deviate you from your focus….yet gives a reason for you to live.

Everyday is like a congregation of people trying to make the best of their lives. Some crib and curse through their lives waiting for a miracle. Some keep raising their bars and keep fighting their battles to reach the peak and some live like it’s a celebration.

One should not stifle the life out of himself in pursuit of “so called” happiness. Live and lead your life sumptuously.

Being responsible and focussed is important but not at the cost of your spontaneity. If procrastination of work is not appreciated then why do we have to wait to enjoy our lives?

Life is no less than a carnival which displays in front of you the best things from every corner of the universe. Although not every platter is suited for, the buffet is open, choose your dish and dig in like never before.

 

Mettre en Marche….

I am not adept in the art of writing, but I believe I have the flare to express what I feel deep inside.

My folks say I am a storyteller. When I speak or narrate my eyes and expression dramatise it all the more. But not always people have time to hear me, yet I have a lot to say.

So, why not write?

It’s not about who read it, liked it or appreciated me but that I said it or rather wrote it. So I found a new way to “shoot the breeze”.

I am no veteran blogger but a casual woman with a freedom of speech and expression standing tall with a mind of her own.

I don’t want to categorise my write ups because human mind is free. It can think, imagine and want a lot of things, each totally different from the other spontaneously and simultaneously. Hence I and my blog are totally free of bondations. I look forward to carve my vision into words and reach people.

My carve is my space of freedom, a breather and a place for expressing myself. Hereby I vouch to be honest and unbiased, whenever I lend my words to an incident whether or not related to me. It will not have fiction but reality (may be with fictitious names).